Screening, and why you will be asked

What gets asked for

The usual requests, roughly in order of how often they come up: your real first name; a working phone number that is actually yours; references from one or two other providers you have seen, with a way to contact them; and in some cases employment verification — a work email, a LinkedIn profile, something that ties a name to a person who exists.

A deposit is sometimes asked for instead of, or alongside, the rest. That is more common for longer bookings, for travel, and in Vancouver generally.

Not everybody asks for all of it. Newer providers often ask for less; long-established ones almost always ask for more, and the ones with the best reputations are frequently the strictest.

Why it exists

She is meeting a stranger, usually alone, usually somewhere she has told nobody about, and the only information she will ever have about who is coming through the door is what you give her beforehand. Screening is that information. There is no second layer.

It is worth stating the obvious: the risk is not symmetrical. The worst realistic outcome of screening for you is mild inconvenience and a small loss of privacy. The worst realistic outcome of no screening for her is a great deal worse than that.

Screening also filters for something less dramatic and more common — people who waste time. Someone unwilling to spend five minutes proving they are a real person is disproportionately likely to also be the person who does not show up.

What a reasonable response looks like

Answer plainly, or move on and find someone whose requirements you are comfortable with. Both are fine. Providers decline people every day and nobody is owed a booking.

What does not work, and comes up constantly in the board's threads: arguing that it is unnecessary, offering more money instead, asking for an exception because you are only in town tonight, or supplying a number that goes to voicemail. Each of those is a recognised pattern and each one ends the conversation faster than saying nothing at all.

If you are new and have no references, say so. It is an extremely normal position to be in and most providers have a route for it — usually employment verification or a deposit instead. What causes the problem is pretending the question was not asked.

From the other side

If you provide and you are working out where to set your own bar, the advice that holds up everywhere is the same: screen consistently, write your requirements into your listing so they are not a surprise, and do not make exceptions for people who push. The people who push are the reason the practice exists.

The first message

Most of screening is decided before any questions get asked. The first message a provider receives tells her a great deal: whether the person booking has read her page, whether he can write a clear sentence, whether he has any sense of the time. A message that names the day, the length of the visit, the general area and a real first name has already answered half of what she would otherwise have to ask for.

The opposite is also true. A one-word message, or a message that opens with a question her site already answers, puts the person booking at the back of the queue. She is not being precious about it. She has a finite number of hours and a stack of enquiries, and the ones that read like someone who has thought about the booking get answered first.

Keep it short, keep it civil, and give the practical details up front. Nothing about the first message needs to be clever.

How references work

A reference is another provider the person booking has seen before, who is willing to confirm that he showed up, behaved and paid as agreed. It is the closest thing the industry has to a credit check. The provider being asked usually gets a brief message: did this person see you, when roughly, and was there any trouble. The answer is short. She is not being asked for an account of the visit and she should not be given one.

When naming references, give the working name, the city, and the site or page where that provider advertises, so the request lands with the right person. Give a rough month rather than a precise date if that is all you remember. Two references are commonly enough; one recent one is worth more than three from years ago. It is good manners to let those providers know a request is coming, so it does not arrive cold.

Only name someone you actually saw and who has reason to remember you kindly. A reference that comes back badly, or comes back as no record of that person, is worse than offering none at all.

When you have no references

Everyone starts with none. A new client is not a suspect, and providers know perfectly well that first-time clients exist. What matters is that the gap is filled with something else rather than argued away.

The usual substitutes are workplace verification, a deposit, a longer or more detailed exchange of messages beforehand, or a first booking on terms that suit her rather than you — her incall, a shorter visit, a daytime slot. Some providers will take a verified account on a board where you have a posting history. Some will simply take more time with you and decide on the strength of how you handle it.

The workable approach is to say plainly that this is your first booking of this kind and ask what she would like instead. That question is easy to answer and it moves things forward. Pushing back on the whole idea of screening because you have no references does not.

Workplace verification

Where references are not available, a provider may ask for something that ties the name and phone number to a real person with a job and an address. That usually means a work email that matches a company domain, or a listing on a company site, or a call to a switchboard where someone confirms that a person by that name works there. Some will ask for a photo of a work badge with parts covered.

It helps to understand the narrow thing she is checking. She wants to know that the person on the other end of the phone is a specific, findable adult, and that the identity would be inconvenient to fake. She has no interest in your seniority, your salary, your industry or what you do all day, and she is not going to ring your desk and announce herself. A verification call, where one happens, is short and unremarkable to anyone who overhears it.

If your work makes any of this genuinely impossible — and for some people it does — say so early and ask what else she will take. There is usually another route.

Deposits as screening

A deposit is partly a defence against no-shows and partly a form of verification, because sending one attaches a name and a payment trail to the booking. Providers who take bookings from travellers, who hold long appointments, or who have been messed about often ask for one as a matter of course.

Ask up front how it is applied, what happens if you need to move the appointment, and how much notice she needs. Get the answer in writing before sending anything. A clear policy, stated the same way to everyone, is a sign of someone running a business properly.

Do not send a deposit to anyone whose advertising you have not checked, whose contact details do not match across her listings, or who becomes evasive when asked how the deposit works. Every legitimate provider expects to be asked that question.

Your own privacy

Handing over your name, your number and your employer to a stranger is a real thing to be asked, and it is reasonable to ask what happens to it afterwards. Fair questions include how long the details are kept, whether they are stored on a phone or in a notebook, whether anything is shared with anyone else, and whether the information is deleted once the booking is done.

Most providers have thought about this well before you ask, because their own security depends on handling other people's information carefully. Many keep very little, and only for as long as it is useful. Privacy rules and expectations differ by province and by platform, and the practical answer is simply the one she gives you. If she cannot answer at all, or brushes the question off, that tells you something about how organised the rest of her booking process is.

Why requests vary

Two providers advertising in the same city can ask for entirely different things. One wants two references and nothing else. One wants a work email. One takes a deposit and asks almost nothing further. One asks for more from a first-time client than from someone who came through a provider she trusts.

The variation reflects circumstances rather than mood. An independent working alone from a private flat is exposed differently to someone with a colleague in the next room. A provider who travels between cities carries more risk with a stranger than one working from a familiar base. Experience shapes it too. A bad encounter, or a run of time-wasters, tends to tighten a screening process permanently.

Treat each provider's requirements as hers. Telling her that another provider asked for less is not an argument, and it reads as an attempt to negotiate her safety down.

When it is not screening

Screening has a shape. It asks for verifiable, boring information, it is explained when you ask, and it stops once it has what it needs. Requests that keep growing, that shift after each thing you provide, or that have no obvious connection to confirming who you are deserve a second look.

Be wary of anyone asking for banking details, card numbers, government identification numbers, or access to accounts. Be wary of pressure to send money by an untraceable method to someone whose advertising you cannot corroborate, or of a sudden fee that appears after a deposit has been paid. Be wary of contact details that do not match across listings, and of anyone who will not answer a straight question about how the booking works.

You are allowed to decline and walk away. Doing so costs you nothing except an appointment you had not yet made.

Screening takes time

References have to be sent, read and answered, often by someone who is working and will reply hours later. Employment checks depend on office hours. Deposits take time to arrive and be confirmed. None of this happens at the speed of a text message.

Same-day and late-night enquiries are where screening most often falls down, because there is no time to complete it and the provider is left choosing between skipping her process and declining. Most will decline. Booking a day or more ahead is not a formality; it is what makes a proper booking possible at all.

If you know your schedule in advance, say so and start the conversation early. Being easy to arrange is its own kind of recommendation.

Being declined

Sometimes screening ends with a no. It may be that a reference did not come back, that the details did not line up, that she is fully booked, or that something in the exchange did not sit right with her. She is under no obligation to explain, and often she will not.

The only good response is a short, polite acknowledgement and no further contact. Arguing, asking for reasons, sending repeated messages, or trying again from another number turns a quiet no into a story that gets passed on to other providers. Word travels between them faster than most clients realise.

A decline from one provider is not a verdict on you. Approach someone else, be straightforward, and let the process run its course.

Repeat bookings

Screening is front-loaded. It is heaviest the first time and light or absent afterwards. Once you have been verified and have seen a provider without incident, later bookings usually come down to a message about the day and time.

The first visit also becomes the reference that makes the next provider's job easier. A client who screened cleanly, arrived on time, behaved well and paid as agreed builds a record that opens doors quietly. That record is worth protecting, and it is built by ordinary good conduct rather than anything special.

Discretion is mutual

Screening only works because both sides keep what they learn to themselves. She takes your details and does not discuss them. You learn where she works, what she looks like and how to reach her, and you do the same.

That means not posting her address or personal details anywhere, not passing her contact information around without her say-so, not photographing her or her workspace, and not repeating anything you happen to learn about her private life. It also means not naming her to a third party who has no business knowing.

Discretion is not a favour either side is doing the other. It is the condition that makes the whole arrangement possible, and the fastest way to lose access to good providers is to be known as someone who does not keep it.